‘go ask alice’, an epistolary novel allegadly based on a real teenage girl’s diary, although i highly doubt that. i’ve read it a few times and each time from a different perspective, but i think to truly capture its harrowing depiction of an isolated adolescent who relates her inability to express her minds thoughts and the destructive impulses of society that she has internalized into low self-esteem to maggots and worms eroding her defenseless body and pushing it into the ground next to her dead grandfather, you need to read it as a piece of fiction because there’s too much obvious symbolism, foreshadowing, storytelling and motifs to ignore if you’re going to read it as a normal diary of non-fiction, a mistake i made upon my first reading of it a couple of years ago. it was made into a novel for a reason, after all.

the quote above refers to unnamed protagonist’s first experience with drugs; unknowingly taking acid at a party. until this point, she had shown a deft skill for communicating her thoughts and feelings to her diary who she considers to be her closest friend and the only one that understands how she feels. however, attempting to explain her experience while on drugs, she is unable to do so articulately. this is consistent throughout her diary and is personified when during one acid trip she spends hours simply staring at her right hand - her writing hand - trying to examine it and define its role in existence.

i don’t necessarily relate to the quote in its direct context because i quite frankly despise drugs and hate the amount things out there that glorifies drug use to such a young audience, such as the tv show skins. but i can connect to it in a sense because i certainly suffer from not being able to convey my feelings and emotions verbally, while feeling much more comfortable doing so in writing or over the internet. many times i’ve thought about literal monologues to say to certain people whenever i see them, yet when i do, i say nothing and feel instant regret and shame. it can be quite annoying because as an actor i have no inhibitions, but then again i have a strong emotional connection with the people i would be talking to off the stage so it’s more difficult, but i’ve come a long way over the last few years i believe. i obviously don’t suffer from the isolation and severe communication issues she does and have a healthy relationship with my parents and have many reliable friends i can confide in, but i think people have a natural issue in finding it difficult to convey positive feelings opposed to nagative ones. considering this is technically a blog, the new age diary of sorts, i thought it’d be apt to explain it on here, ha :)

it’s a good book, although i advise anyone wanting to read it that you don’t go in with any specific expectations. it’s not a fun book to read that you come out of wanting to read again immediately; it’s distressing and upsetting most of the time and in terms of being a great work of literature, it isn’t up there. however, it’s educational and serves as a cautionary tale, but it will draw you in for an emotional ride if you allow yourself to suspend your disbelief.